How to turn a ratty old pair of kung fu pants into fight shorts!

I might have a top-secret project coming up for Fighters Only magazine, and for it, I need my Shooto gear. I splashed out a while ago and bought some gloves, some grappling shorts, and a groin guard. So I went into my closet to dust off my nut-box, and couldn’t find my shorts anywhere. Fucking shit burgers. I think I left them in England. So, seeing as I’m skint, I decided to chop up an old pair of ratty kung fu pants and turn them into totarly awesum grapplinge shorts!1!?

I wanted to use my old gi-pants, from the first gi I ever got. But I tried them on and I looked like MC Hammer, those mother fuckers were big! Jeez I must have been fat before. So anyway, luckily I found some old kung fu trousers and used them.

Here’s a step-by-step guide, so you can do the same. Warning: I spent about four fucking hours hunched over a sewing machine and it was totally not worth it, but check it out anyway, assholes!

Step 1: Get ratty old kung fu pants out.

Step 2: Get totally freakin’ sweet reversal patch ready. Fold the edges over and iron flat.

Step 3: Fold the shorts to the length you want. I originally was just going to cut them off, but I thought the material was too thin, so decided to split them, and fold the bottom half up inside the top half, kind of like when a man undergoes a sex change and they cut his cock open lengthways and push it up and… oh god this is disgusting. Kind of like they did to Babs in League of Gentlemen, anyway. Check the size and pin it in place!

Step 4: Cut the pants all the way up to the knee (or the point where you want them to end on your leg). Fold over the seams and sew them to stop them splitting. At this point they look like some kind of ultra-funky, Bruce Lee inspired flares. Or they just look like trousers that have been cut open, either way.

Step 5: Stitch a whole bunch of stuff. This part is not fun.

Step 6: This is the base of the pants, now folded up inside and sewed (badly) near the waistband.

Step 7: Break and eat some seriously tasty oven grilled chicken. That’s what I did, anyway.

Step 8: Prepare the sheer beauty that is a crisp new Reversal patch. Drooooool. On a serious note, in an arty, crafty, totally unconscious level, there is something I love about the texture, solid construction, and clean colours of Reversal patches. Sewing them on yourself is surprisingly satisfying.

Step 9: Sew that motherfucker on and basically you are done!

Step 10: Get some fucking leg muscles, Jesus you skinny fuck.

Making my own shorts was an interesting and painful experience I will probably never, ever repeat, and although the shorts will probably fall apart as soon as anyone touches them, they will forever hold a special place in my chest cavity.

Helping little shits

I believe that as the sport of MMA grows, it can help in much the same way as boxing does, as a way for “high-risk” kids to get themselves out of trouble and out of poverty. Obviously, training in MMA is in no way a guarantee of success or of anything, really. But it is a good way for kids to focus their energies and do something positive with themselves. Besides, I think kids with serious problems can relate to punching stuff better than they can relate to knitting or painting or whatever.

So thanks to the MMA show, a video podcast I found on Itunes (under the title The Ultimate Podcast), written, hosted, edited, presented, thought up by, music by, titles by and whatever by some creepy dude called Gary Alexander, I learned about Black Mat MMA. 

Basically they help fucked up kids do something positive with themselves and train MMA, with the dream of fighting, and winning, one day.

It seems to be a good charity, and one I want more people to know about. Just check out the website to read up on it.

Bas Rutten, Kimbo Slice, at al made an appearance at the gym, which looked like a lot of fun. Check it out.

Shopping and stuff

Had a good day today. Went to the city, went to the doctors to get the fucking lowdown on why the hell I keep catching colds. So he’s doing some tests to check for allergies and stuff.

The rest of the day we walked around the city. I checked in at Isami, the wicked martial arts shop. There are branches all over Japan, and they are the brand behind Reversal, the coolest MMA clothing makers ever.

Going into Isami is dangerous for me, so I try to limit my visits. It is an absolute treasure trove of awesome stuff. Luckily, I only spent 1500 yen today. I bought Gracie Magazine… first time I had seen it in there, and seeing how starved I am of paper-material to read, I figured I’d splash out. It’s a little out of date, seeing as it’s imported, but I will still get some good hours out of it.

I also bought a Reversal patch, for my top secret project, which shall be revealed in the next post.

I picked up a catalogue for Reversal, and the bastards have stolen my idea of having a gi on a t-shirt… shitting fuck-cocks, I knew I should have been quicker. There’s also some amusing Janglish, as per usual… WHO SAYS THE STRIKER CAN’T GRAPPLING ? Damn good question, I say.

Teaching tomorrow!

I got a text from sensei at 2 in the morning asking me if I could teach on Sunday. I can’t imagine how many people must have said no for him to ask me at 2 in the morning, but who cares! Woo!

When I got my blue belt last year, he told me that I could start teaching the beginner class on Sunday, and asked me to start immediately, the following Sunday. I couldn’t because I had something on already, and ever since then, he kind of forgot about it. Until now, woo!

I’m a little nervous. I can handle teaching English to a class full of unruly 11 year olds, but teaching jiu jitsu to a room full of people half of whom are bigger, older, stronger, and probably more skilled than me, might be a bit different. Still, ultimately, I want to have my own gym, so this will be a good start.

I’ll teach in a mixture of basic Japanese, English, and various clicking and grunting noises. People should get the message.

Technically the first hour is for beginners and after that it’s a regular class, but it works out that everyone turns up for the whole class and we do whatever. So I am going to go over a couple of sweeps, I think. I have to do things I know I can do well, otherwise I’ll look like a twat if I can’t effectively demonstrate what I’m teaching.

Here’s the plan, putting it into words for my benefit. I’ll try to put some in Japanese, cos that’s what I’ll be shouting tomorrow…

Warmup:
Ebi (shrimping)
Jiu jitsu tachi (standing the bjj way)
Koten (backwards roll)
Wani aruki (crocodile walk)
Jump (leap forward and land on one leg, keep balance, then leap forward and land on the other leg. Repeat backwards.)

Conditioning:
Situps (various)
Pushups (various)
Squats (various)
Pullups (various)

Drills:
Shita kara juji (armbar from guard, 10x)
Ue kara juji (armbar from mount, 10x)
Sankaku (triangle from guard)

Rest, stretch

Technique:
Sweep – Fuck knows the name, but from guard, plant left foot on floor, trap opponent’s right arm, grab his left gi pants near the ankle, then kick your right leg under his left armpit and punch your right hand (holding his pant leg) up to sweep him over to the left, putting you in mount. I do this sweep all the time and did it as a blue belt in competition, so I am pretty confident in teaching it.) Variation: hooking your arm under their knee and doing the same (if they try to stand)

Sit up / hip bump sweep Easy

After they’ve had a chance to play with that, then show submission follow ups if the sweep fails… hip bump to kimura, and that other sweep can sometimes be changed into a triangle if you are quick enough. (As I sweep to the left, they post out their right arm. I immediately bring my left leg over their arm, onto their neck, and work for the triangle.

If their is still loads of time, I might do a couple of other sweeps or a collar choke or something.

Then do some positional sparring for short bursts (from closed guard, or one up one down.)

Then lots of regular sparring.

Should be fun!