UFC 84: Squiggly Worms

I’m going to do a writeup of the gut-bustingly spectacular UFC 84 just as soon as I get a chance to watch it again slowly and headbutt a quiche, which is usually what I do to get myself pumped.

Rest assured though, I will be pointing out the following things to you in hilarious fashion:

– Machida’s christening Ortiz as “Cheeto”

– Goldy calling Wanderlei Silva “The Ice Man”

– Urijah Faber looking like a vacuum-packed skull…

and much more!

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TUF Shit, series 7 episode 8.19b banana

TUF productions are pulling out all the stops with this season and have completely revamped the intro again.

Fade up from black to pink as a guitar wails hard. Some tinkly piano music can be heard as well as the sound of a tin of beans being slopped on an old bed. Suddenly “Livin’ on a Prayer” starts chunking out of your speakers HARD and there is a closeup of a foot with a cowboy boot tapping to the rythm. Zoom out to reveal Dana White in a cowboy outfit and a stars and stripes ten gallon hat. He has a large red white and blue saxaphone in his arms. Cut to a close up of his face. He winks twice then begins rocking out HARD on the sax. Suddenly the screen explodes and you see Rampage Jackson driving a hummer over the ocean. Water sprays up behind him. Zoom in on his face and he smiles and you see his teeth are gold. The words “Coach Quinton Rampage Jackson” slam and fizzle onto the screen in big purple letters.

Wipe to Forrest Griffin swinging from tree to tree like Tarzan. He is wearing a bear skin. Zoom in on his face and he smiles and you can see his teeth are just made from normal teeth. “Coach Forrest Griffin” dribbles onto  the screen with a fizzling noise. Bon Jovi appears on the screen and high-fives Griffin.

Random montage of whales splashing through the ocean, submarines crashing into each other and exploding, a monkey stuffing onions in a blender, a tank rolling over a supermarket, two helicopters firing missiles at a donkey which explodes, and a man in suspenders eating a cigar.

THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER writes itself onto the screen as if being sprayed on with aerosol. Fade down to black.

A recap of last week’s fights are shown. Cale Yarborough defeated Patrick Schultz by snapping off the Bostonians frosted hair and stabbing him in the eyes with it. Referee Steve Mazaggatti’s moustache had become aroused during the bout and swelled to five times its normal size, obscuring the pint-sized official’s vision, thus allowing the young fighter to get away with the flagrant bending of the rules.

Griffin and Rampage, no doubt spurred on by panicking producers, get really pumped and start yelling and breaking stuff. Like a bunch of college students whose drinks have been spiked with Viagra, everybody walks around being really pumped and not really knowing why or who to punch. The coaches decide to settle their differences with a game of hide and seek but unfortunately Rampage has to pull out halfway through when he steps on a banana skin, slips up, somersaults in the air and lands on a home barbecue set covered in delicious marinade.

Back at the house, a sunglass wearing competition is in full effect. The game remains tied for a few hours with participants frantically wearing the sunglasses as hard as they can. Eventually the game is abandoned as no winner can be decided but everyone agrees Jesse is the loser because he dipped his glasses in ketchup and ate them with a confused look on his face.

Dana White arrives in a private jet which lands on the roof of the TUF house, crushing the east wing and slaughtering a cast member known only as Bill, but he was quiet and had not received any air time yet so it’s all cool. Dana White backflips from the cockpit and fires a machine gun into the air. He produces a megaphone and simply yells “Fuck” really loud a few times. In the ensuing silence, somebody from the cast yells “WARRIOR” and everybody cheers.

A helicopter appears out of nowhere. David Letterman wearing nothing but a tattered pair of overalls and a baseball hat abseils down and grabs Dana White around the waist then the two of them fly off into the sunset.

Fade to sparkling green as “Take my Breath Away” begins playing.

What the fuck is up with UFC 85?!

Just read that Evans will be out of the event altogether. Surely this makes it the most botched card in history?

Shogun vs. Liddell was originally the main event. Then Shogun’s knee explodes so he is out.

Evans steps in to replace Shogun and face Chuck.

Then, Chuck pulls out due to his hamstring crumbling away and his leg beginning to resemble that of an aging stripper.

James Irvin comes in to replace Chuck, to face Evans.

Now James Irvin has pulled out due to a foot injury leaving Rashad holding his balls, thus the UFC scrapped the fight, fearing that if they replaced any more replacement replacement fighters with replacements then they’d have to change the subtitle of the event to UFC 85: THE REPLACEMENTS.

Just so that’s clear:

Shogun vs. Liddell. Shoguns pulls out. Evans vs. Liddell. Liddell pulls out. Irvin vs. Evans. Irvin pulls out. Evans pulls out.

The resulting fight would have been so far away from the super ultra mega bout that Liddell vs. Shogun was going to be, it would have been RI-DICULOUS.

Leben also had to pull out of his fight with Michael Bisping because of some old drunk driving conviction giving him hassle.

RI-DIC!

One more thing from Fighters Only

Jeez, are we in the future or what?

Personally I’m waiting until the magazine can be directly downloaded into my eyeballs but if you can’t wait that long, Fighters Only is now available online with all kinds of Web 2.0 integrated goodness.

Perhaps best of all you can download an entire issue of the magazine (Issue 34 to be exact) FOR NONE OF YOUR ENGLISH PENNIES… that means for free.

I think this link will take you there.

It’s a great issue, I got it sent to me from England. It’s got BJ Penn, Dana White, a training travel guide, and a whole bunch of other stuff in it. What are you waiting for? Quality online MMA journalism with pretty pictures and lots of things to click on! Go! Go!

The official blurb:

Fighters Only, The World’s Leading Mixed Martial Arts and Lifestyle Magazine, launches a digital version of it’s magazine, expanding it’s already massive coverage and giving it a larger international reach than any other publication in it’s sector.

Fighters Only, which is now in its forth year as a publication, has grown from being a UK publication to being on sale in 13 countries worldwide including the USA and Australia. The launch of a digital edition now means that wherever you can get online in the world, you can get Fighters Only.

Using leading technology the full magazine is reproduced with relevant video added to enhance the experience for readers. Other features include the ability to search text for key words, click through to links, both within the magazine and on the internet, and the access to an online library of the readers back issues which can be accessed at the click of a button.

Fighters Only Managing Director Rob Hewitt:

“Fighters Only has always embodied the pioneering spirit – we were the first monthly Mixed Martial Arts magazine in the world, we are the first to launch fan led awards with the World Mixed Martial Arts Awards and are now the first Mixed Martial Arts publisher to offer this digital version of the magazine to our readers sending Fighters Only truly World Wide.”

“The growth of Mixed Martial Arts has been an international phenomenon. To fulfil the global need for high quality features, interviews, coverage and insight as well as supplementing existing readers enjoyment of our magazine we felt that the digital edition was ideal. The digital format allows us to reach readers all over the world instantly, allowing them to enjoy the new issue as soon as it’s available in the stores in the UK.”

Fighters Only are also offering affiliate schemes to online retailers who wish to sell the publication to their customers. A sample edition of Fighters Only Issue 34 is online for people to try out the software at:  https://www.magtank.com/secure/sites/fightersonly/

World MMA Awards

Headed up by Martial Farts commentator (important title, that) Hywel Teague, Fighters Only Magazine is pretty much the coolest MMA magazine I’ve ever read. And I’m not just saying that because they have published two of my articles.

They have organised something that every MMA fan should check out…

The World MMA Awards.

In their words:

Fighters Only announce first World MMA Awards

Fighters Only, The UK’s Only Mixed Martial Arts and Lifestyle Magazine, is proud to announce plans for the first World Mixed Martial Arts Awards.

In a move that reflects the development and growth of the Sport and the Magazine, Fighters Only will organise and host an event that acknowledges outstanding achievements and efforts in MMA worldwide. Fighters, promoters and industry individuals will be eligible to win in a variety of categories that reflect their accomplishments in the sport.

The first World MMA Awards will be held in December 2008 with winners being nominated and chosen by fans throughout the year online. Using state of the art software Fighters Only will accept open nominations from May 2008 and the top 5 nominations in each category will be short listed for fans to choose from when nominations end on 31st July 2008. Fans who nominated will then be asked to vote for their winner from the shortlist.

Fighters Only Managing Director Rob Hewitt:

“The last 12 months have seen huge developments in MMA on a global level. We feel that now is the right time to launch an annual award ceremony which focuses on all that is great in this sport. Fighters Only have been innovators in terms of the feature and coverage that we provide to our readers, traditionally in our magazine and now on our website, and it is only natural that we should continue to blaze a trail by organising what is another first in the industry.”

“MMA fans are the best in the world and we feel that these Awards will give those fans a voice in the industry by allowing them to directly show their appreciation for the men and women who make this sport the best in the world.”

The World Mixed Martial Arts Awards website can be found at:

http://www.onlineawards.co.uk/fightersonly/home.asp

For further information contact:

Jim Burman

(+44) 7970 868333

Jb.i2media@gmail.com

Fighters Only Website:

www.fightersonlymag.com

Now that’s something I can get behind.

Get out there and vote, snotfaces…

The Ultimate Fighter Intro: Redux

With an unexpected afternoon off work and a new musical discovery (Dead Can Dance), I boshed together my own take on the TUF intro.

It is nothing special, I did no fancy editing, I just wanted to give it a different flavour. I tried to do it “Pride style” if you will, with the “epic, earth-shattering consequences” feeling that Sato Daisuke somehow managed to capture in all his videos.

Enjoy!

Tell me what you think. Would you like a TUF that was presented in a more dramatic way, or does it not fit? Do you prefer the nu-metal soundtrack, the locker-room samurai feel?

DREAM matches!

I’ve just cast my votes over at the DREAM website for who I think should fight next in the middle and lightweight GPS.

You can do the same!

Head here for the middleweight matchups, and here for the lightweights.

It’s really easy, the fighters’ names appear in the dropdown menu in the same order that they appear in the picture above. You will see the fighter’s picture once you select him, anyway.

Once you are done, press the big blue button at the bottom.

Here are my pics.

Middleweight:

I have Kin Taei-whatsisname against Mousasi. I think this could be a good fight and hope that Mousasi get’s through it.

Then the Dongbar against Zelg Galesic, who I think is awesome and showed much improved ground skills in his last outing. I think the Dongbar will take it though, as Galesic is too green to be winning any GPs just yet.

I’ve got Sakuraba against Mayhem, because I think that would be an awesome fight and I think there would be some lovely-jubbly jiu jitsu on display there.

And Jacare vs. Tamura, which I think will be a great fight, and will test Jacare.

I hope that the next round will have Mousasi, Dongbar, Sakuraba or Miller, and Jacare.

Lightweight:

I quite like Caoru Uno, and was very impressed by his handling of Ishida, but I personally don’t think he has enough star quality to win something like this. Eddie Alvarez is on a tear and this could be his breakout performance. These two will show a good fight.

The other dude I don’t really care about, but I hope Aoki gets through and the final will be Aoki / Alvarez.

Head over and cast your votes, let me know how you chose!