Kalib Starnes Reveals the Truth

In an exclusive email from Kalib Starnes I was able to uncover the real reasons behind his bizarre performance against Nate “Rock Hammer” Quarry.

Dear Internet,

Hi! How have you been?

This is Kalib. Remember me? I’m the guy who spilt orange juice on your father’s incontinence pad at our last gathering thus drawing rather a lot of unwanted attention his way. Soz and all that, hope he got it cleared up. The incontinence, that is. I know the orange juice was cleared up because I was holding a tissue at the time.

Well so anyway I was like totally in the middle of telling you about the time when I spent that whole UFC fight just kind of running backwards and stuff. What actually happened was I was posessed by an alien stoat. His name is Gorgonzola Moominpoot, and he lives in my chest. Everything was going well before the fight. I was preparing with ATT and we were saying our daily chants and praying to Satan for strength and courage. Then I was on my way home and I saw a strange light in the sky. Pow, zap, kabam, zoorp, there was a small furry creature embedded in my chest cavity. I was all like, what the hell man, fuck this shit, but the creature, who introduced himself as Gorgonzola Moominpoot, told me I better get used to it and fast.

For a while, I was able to hide him from my training partners. He would hide deep within my chest, nestled between my small heart and lungs. He promised only to come out on public holidays and said he wanted nothing more than two scoops of chocolate ice cream and a stroll round the park on sunny days. I reluctantly agreed and we shook hands as best we could.

Then on the night of the UFC I felt that familiar rumbling in my chest while we were warming up in the locker room. Oh no, I thought. Please Satan, not now. I looked at my trainers who looked at me puzzedly, pausing in the middle of slaying a chicken and pouring the blood over themselves. It must have been the crowd noises, or the lack of humidity, I don’t know, but Gorgonzola emerged with a vengeance. He told me, nay, ordered me, to lose the fight. He said that if I did not do it he would tug on the long stringy thing that was next to his leg until it snapped. I wasn’t sure exactly what he was talking about but it sounded painful so I agreed. Satan only knows why he wanted me to lose the fight, but what else could I do?

So the fight began, and although I really wanted to engaged and be knocked out cold by Nate Quarry’s punches, I could not. Each step I made to attack, I felt a strange tugging sensation deep within my torso. I knew that Gorgonzola had not been bluffing when he made his threat.

Towards the end of the fight I received a message telepathically. Gorgonzola had made contact with another alien parasite embedded in Nate Quarry’s head. He sounded very pleased and told me that he would attempt to communicate. At that moment Nate began doing some kind of strange intergalactic communication ritual, holding his arm and extending it out towards me in a kind of rock hammer fashion. Gorgonzola squealed with glee in my chest, which hurt. He told me that Nate had a very rare Golden Stick-Insect Type alien named Murgatrod Palalapstank in his brain which was very friendly but known throughout the galaxy for the gory way it implodes its host’s brain when it gets bored with it.

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Nate, but Gorgonzola says you better keep Murgatrod amused or else your brain will be melted down.

So as you can see, I really did do my best in that fight but alas circumstances meant that I could not shine like the bright star I am.

Gorgonzola and I will be moving to the forests of Norway where we can be alone.


Kalib and Gorgonzola.

PS There was also a guy with a laser pen in the audience and he was shining it in my eye which totally put me off.

PPS I have attached a picture so that you know I am not lying or anything.

PPPS Can I have my nasal hair trimmer back? You’ve had it for like months already, jeez.

Night of the Running Man and other such nonsense

UFC 48 - Payback

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I won’t bore you with the same tripe being regurgitated by ten million other blogs out there, and just say a few things that I felt watching the card.

I really enjoyed it. The only fight I skipped through was Kalib Starnes vs. Nate Quarry, and then in the end I had to go back and watch it because of the controversy. Thank you, Nate Quarry, for providing some entertainment in what would have otherwise been a ridiculously boring fight. Here’s one of the better videos (jeez you guys are fast, it takes me about three days to export anything from Premiere… piece of shit!)

Quarry came across as a really top bloke. He was funny and well-spoken, and probably scared shitless of the godless killing machine cult that is ATT. How the fuck Starnes is still in ATT, which makes you swear some kind of blood allegiance to honour and awesomeness, is beyond me.

I actually got just as excited for Bisping vs. McCarthy as I did for Serra vs. St. Pierre, just because Bisping is a Brit. He looked pretty mean out there and successfully ignored McCarthy’s antics. Who the fuck is captain miserable anyway? I have never, ever heard his name mentioned as anybody worth watching at all. He is a mosquito bite on the arse of the UFC and how they managed to drum up any kind of hype for him to fight Bisping is beyond me. Luckily, The Count tore him a new one and did so in style. I’m looking forward to his next test at 185.

Franklin / Lutter was pretty good, although Lutter looked like he had spent about half the preceding months training jiu jitsu and the other half eating double cheeseburgers and watching Family Guy. What the fuck? He was exhausted after about four minutes. Franklin and his strangely circular arms looked pretty good, although what is his reward, another merciless drubbing from Anderson Silva? No thanks.

I generally tend to avoid jokes as simple as pointing at someone and yelling “GAY” but Rich Franklin, You Are A Gay. *points*

Rich Franklin and Jorge Gurgel

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And, naturally, GSP de-pulverated Matt Serra. Everybody is being too nice to throw the word “fluke” around when talking about Serra’s original win over GSP, but I’m flinging it with extra gusto directly at your face. It was a fluke (much as I love Matt Serra), and GSP righted the universe the other night.

I’m still pumped for Hughes / Serra, though I need a few cheesy UFC hype videos to remind me about the bad blood between these two warriors who will leave it all in the octagon and warrior with blood and spirit warrior.

Overall, a very entertaining card.

Is it typical at Canadian events to have such a vocal crowd singing songs? Or was it the English contingent there for Bisping? Either way it sounded like a football (soccer) stadium, it was great.