More ninja nonsense.

From the steaming pile of faeces that is Ashida Kim’s forum.

Here’s the question:

i need help in how to beat someone in a fight whos bout 6’4 250 pounds and is faster and stronger then me he usually takes me to the ground or has a standup fight style i can usually dodge and parry his attacks but i never have time to get a good solid hit in hes that fast any suggestions

Apparently, this person is not only still around 11 years old but he is also getting into fights with giants that are much bigger and stronger than him and who usually kick his ass. Naturally, first port of call is the online ninja forum for some advice.

Lord Morgue steps in ready to flex his theoretical muscles for all the internet to see. Unforunately he just rehashes some old Bruce Lee quotes that vaguely make sense.

Luckily, vasile33333 steps in and restores balance to the universe by proving that all ninjas are stupid.

Try to make him close his eyes for a moment or distract his attention.
For example throw a small piece of paper towards his eyes. The point is not to hit him with the paper, but to confuse him for a moment (because he will expect you to punch, block, dodge and kick, NOT to throw something at him).
If you don’t have an object to throw, don’t worry, simulate a throw. For example reach with your hand towards one of your pockets and make it appear that you pick something and powerfully throw it towards him. Act angry.
When his eyes are closed or his attention is distracted (even for a fraction of a second), immediatelly follow up with a proper technique. My recommendation is a kick to his knee-caps or a even a foot stomp. Take advantage of the enemy’s difficulty or incapacity to walk. This should assure your victory.
REMEMBER: No technique or battle plan can fully assure your vicory. Maybe the technique will work, maybe not, it depends on the person.
Mental preparation is essential. One thing is sure: if you REALLY want to win, you’ll win. Don’t ever let defeat enter your mind. REFUSE TO LOSE. THIS IS THE ONLY STRATEGY THAT WORKS EVERY TIME.


What the hell kind of fantasy world does this guy living in? Throwing balls of paper at an attacker? Obviously, his real-world experience comes from watching reruns of early James Bond movies at Christmas, when Bond does something dastardly tricky to the bad guy like throw sand at him, then, while the bad guy stands on the spot clawing at his eyes or wailing “WHAT THE? I AM SO CONFUSED FOR A MOMENT BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE BLOCKING OR KICKING BUT I NEVER FOR A MINUTE SUSPECTED THAT YOU WOULD THROW A SMALL OBJECT TOWARDS MY FACE OH MY GOD” giving Bond just enough time to do a judo chop followed by a lunging right hook and ultimately some kind of shoving move.

Apparently, simulating a throw works just as well. I don’t know about you, but next time a large, scary person tries to beat the shit out of me, the first thing I am going to do is pretend to get a ball of paper from my pocket (the fool doesn’t even realise–THERE IS NO PAPER IN MY POCKET! I AM MERELY SIMULATING A THROW!) and then pretend to throw it at his face! And I will be sure to act angry. That will really throw him.

I will then follow up with a proper technique. As I am a ninja, I won’t bother with such barbaric and straight forwards attacks as punching or even running away. I will kick the knee (which will instantly break, of course) or maybe stomp on his foot. I don’t know about you but I have seen many a fight over when one guy stamps on the other guy’s foot, that’s for sure. Especially if the other guy is still recovering from the shock of having an imaginary piece of paper thrown at him!!

I love the way he signs it “respectfully” just so anyone reading knows, this guy has class. He is a real martial artist.


First in a series, I’m sure…

I don’t know about you but I’d be scared to face this ninja.