How to turn a ratty old pair of kung fu pants into fight shorts!

I might have a top-secret project coming up for Fighters Only magazine, and for it, I need my Shooto gear. I splashed out a while ago and bought some gloves, some grappling shorts, and a groin guard. So I went into my closet to dust off my nut-box, and couldn’t find my shorts anywhere. Fucking shit burgers. I think I left them in England. So, seeing as I’m skint, I decided to chop up an old pair of ratty kung fu pants and turn them into totarly awesum grapplinge shorts!1!?

I wanted to use my old gi-pants, from the first gi I ever got. But I tried them on and I looked like MC Hammer, those mother fuckers were big! Jeez I must have been fat before. So anyway, luckily I found some old kung fu trousers and used them.

Here’s a step-by-step guide, so you can do the same. Warning: I spent about four fucking hours hunched over a sewing machine and it was totally not worth it, but check it out anyway, assholes!

Step 1: Get ratty old kung fu pants out.


Step 2: Get totally freakin’ sweet reversal patch ready. Fold the edges over and iron flat.


Step 3: Fold the shorts to the length you want. I originally was just going to cut them off, but I thought the material was too thin, so decided to split them, and fold the bottom half up inside the top half, kind of like when a man undergoes a sex change and they cut his cock open lengthways and push it up and… oh god this is disgusting. Kind of like they did to Babs in League of Gentlemen, anyway. Check the size and pin it in place!


Step 4: Cut the pants all the way up to the knee (or the point where you want them to end on your leg). Fold over the seams and sew them to stop them splitting. At this point they look like some kind of ultra-funky, Bruce Lee inspired flares. Or they just look like trousers that have been cut open, either way.


Step 5: Stitch a whole bunch of stuff. This part is not fun.


Step 6: This is the base of the pants, now folded up inside and sewed (badly) near the waistband.


Step 7: Break and eat some seriously tasty oven grilled chicken. That’s what I did, anyway.

Step 8: Prepare the sheer beauty that is a crisp new Reversal patch. Drooooool. On a serious note, in an arty, crafty, totally unconscious level, there is something I love about the texture, solid construction, and clean colours of Reversal patches. Sewing them on yourself is surprisingly satisfying.


Step 9: Sew that motherfucker on and basically you are done!


Step 10: Get some fucking leg muscles, Jesus you skinny fuck.


Making my own shorts was an interesting and painful experience I will probably never, ever repeat, and although the shorts will probably fall apart as soon as anyone touches them, they will forever hold a special place in my chest cavity.