Introduction sequence:
Exterior. Night.

There is a graveyard. Mist slowly swirls around in between the gravestones. Some seriously fucking scary pump music plays ominously in the background. From the left stereo speaker, the sound of some bones and blood and stuff gets louder. (to get the audience pump scared.) From the right stereo speaker no sound even comes out.

Slow zoom in on a tree. It looks like a normal tree for about 3.4 seconds, until it gets real close and an eyeball opens up in the bark. The pump music goes DUN DUUUUH! so loud that the weaker people in the audience will probably explode. The eyeball looks around, as if it was looking for something. Suddenly, it blinks 5 times quickly and looks HARD at this thing which is off screen. Dissolve fade to a dead foot sticking out of a fresh grave. The foot starts waving at the tree in a scary/mocking way. If the tree had pants on it would have crapped them twice by now. It has no pants on so some poop just kind of spurts out of the back of the tree, hitting a raccoon in the eye. The raccoon just shrugs it off and goes about his business. Anyway, cut back to the tree which suddenly bursts into green flames and disintegrates. This laughter echoes from out of nowhere (actually its from the foot) and gets louder and louder and echoier and echoier, then quieter, then much much louder, so loud that most likely the cinema will begin crumbling at this point. Cut to a sudden close up of the foot. This tiny worm is crawling along it. The worm looks at the camera and the camera zooms in pretty fast on the worm’s face. It winks and then dies.

Scene 1…

Exterior, sunset.

Long shot of a pink cadillac cruising down some highway. The cadillac is smashing into various other cars with total impunity. The other drivers are like ‘fucking asshole!’ but the mysterious figure in the cadillac just doesn’t give a crap. Cut to a quick close up of the man in the cadillac. He is wearing a large cowboy hat . This hat is so big that it covers his entire head and shoulders and sticks out further than the front and the back of the car, but not the sides. He can’t even see where he is going (like he gives a crap!@!!)

The car crashes into a lamp post pretty fast, sending the guy flying through the air, really high. The car behind him explodes. While he is flying through the air a pigeon swoops past. A hand shoots out from under the giant hat and grabs the pigeon by the neck, which makes a ‘SKRLK!’ sound. The big hands break the pigeons neck and throw it away. You hear a mumbling sound. It plummets straight down, landing in this old lady’s handbag causing her and her dog to implode and have orgasms at the same time. The mysterious figure sailing through the air suddenly eats his hat without a moment’s hesitation, then backflips 14 times landing on a roof somewhere. There are roughly 12,456 babes who are naked just dancing and eating hot dogs and stuff.

Zoom / crossfade on the face of the guy, who is STEVEN SEAGAL!!!!!111!!!! (His name in this movie is Tarlang Hardsteen the Third.) He starts doing the night fever dance pretty hard (a new age rap version of the song will be playing hard in the background.) The babes are getting pretty into it, except for a couple who explode. Just when all is going well, the creepy pump up music starts happening again. Suddenly Tarlang begins having some kind of nightmare flashback about a tree being exploded by a zombie foot… He sideflips off the building quick, leaving all the babes who are like ‘what the fuck is happening here with that guy?’ but Tarlang couldn’t give a crap… He is running down the street screaming and kicking at everybody who walks past (except pimps, he talks some jive and high fives them)

suddenly, the episode passes so seagal strolls into the nearest KFC and realises his stomach is rumbling.

Interior establishing shot (in this Scene Steven Seagal is playing the part of Brian Fistjaw an ex police cops SAS commando sheriff special branch agent) Brian (Seagal) swoops in from right to left past a bunch of tables where lots of children are eating KFC with a school teacher. Cut to a close up of Brian (Seagal) Gurning mildly and squinting his eyes (this shot is accompanied by the sound of birds tweeting) Cut to a close up of a spotty teenager behind the counter of KFC with Christina Aguilara’s Dirty playing in the background. Cut back to Brian (Seagal) with tweety birds trying to hypnotize the kid behind the counter. Cut to two shot of them facing each other, Brian (Seagal) gurning hard now and no sound. Out of the left speaker in the Cinema a squeeky fart comes out and Seagal starts to read out his order, tatooed on someone elses arm. The audience hasnt seen this till now because i have just added it into the scene. Brian (Seagal) is holding just an arm with a KFC menu tatooed on it and mumbling.

Teenage kid behind counter : err S-s-sir , would you like frie with that?

Of Course Seagal DoeS! WHAM! the teenager has the hairy arm jammed hard in his neck. Cut back to a front shot of Brian (Seagal) Swinging the disembaouled arm over his head for another go. Cut straight back to show a front view of the Kid getting beats again only on the other side of the neck and then being slapped hard at the same time as being hit by Seagals other hand. (Wow, the audienc is so pumped at this point as are me and matt) then Brian (Seagal) Headbutts The teenager into the deep fat frier (hes totaly fuc8a$uing DEAD from this). The kids in the restaurant start to cry a bit. Brian Realizes this and turns slowly…then fast!…then slowly again and leans down next to a crying five year old girl.

Brian: Dont worry little man (hes talking to a girl) hey, hey…back in force this kind of shit happens all the fucking time…the truth is –

The school teacher interupts at this point : Do, Do you mind not swearing in front of the children…(like Seagal gives a SHIT!?)

Brian: The truth is motherfucking cunt sticks like this asshole are what makes the world such a shit eating place. Life is hard kid.

The School teacher as well as all the kids are crying hard at this point. Brian puts on a giant Cowboy hat, which I have also just added to this scene. The Cowboy hat is so big it casts a giant Shadow over the whole place as Brian strolls out of teh KFC into the Streets if Miami. (hard).

When he gets outside, a plane flies by quite hard overhead. Seagal, who is now playing the part of Baron Von Remmstein Rubernahssrhhhandragnablnagotrag, is like ‘ I can’t believe this fucking shit. What a load of bullcrap!’ he grabs the nearest schoolkid and slaps him hard about 15 times. The teacher opens her mouth to say something but Seagal (Baron Von Remmstein Rubernahssrhhhandragnablnagotrag) just throws the schoolkid into her mouth, to make her shut the hell up pretty hard. She chews thoughtfully for about 3 seconds before exploding HARD!!! FUCK!!! pumpitude levels begin to increase at a dramatic rate as seagal (Baron Von Remmstein Rubernahssrhhhandragnablnagotrag) stomps pretty hard on the pavement. Some homeless people and a bunch of old fucks start dancing like frankenstein to the pumpup music pretty damned hard, gyrating and exploding like nothing on earth. then out of nowhere these wolves and zombified ferrets (and some horses) start crawling down the street very menacingly. seagal spots this straight away. this guy standing next to him tries to say something but just explodes twice instead. seagal’s rage is becoming very large right now, with not only the stupid ass plane flying overhead but all these gay animals creeping hard. so the pump up music becomes so pumped full of pumpitude that most of russia, papua new guinea and croatia FCUKING#%(##( EXplODE all over the goddamned place HARD. seagals rage condenses into a tiny piece of sweetcorn, which weighs about 50,000,000,000,000,000 milligrams. he hurls the sweetcorn with all his might up at the plane, causing it to explode. the debris rains down to the ground, killing not only the gay animals but also a random cyclops (which the audience doesnt know about because i just made him up – this makes them even more pumped (if that is even possible, which i doubt!!!11!!@!@!@!!)

So, in the end, everyboy dies except seagal and some old guy selling hot dogs. seagal buys one and slaps five with him pretty hard, breaking his arm. the words THE END! slam into the screen so hard that it explodes. then you die.

This script was so awesome and pumpy that my left eye popped and the juice dribbled out leaving me permanently blind in that eye, but it was totally worth it.