ATTENTION ALL READERS!!! Blog is moving!

Rather large news.

The fantastically awesome pod-casting, gut-crampingly hilarious post-writing, Canada-living folks over at Fightlinker offered to raise my lowly status from “Just another blog” to “A totally awesome blog hosted by Fightlinker.”

That means that all my shit is moved over to a new address:

So either copy paste that address, or click here to be taken to the site, and please update your bookmarks. If you are feeling particularly thorough and you have linked here in the past you might want to update those links, too.

But most importantly of all, keep reading! This upgrade may just be the kick in the pants I need to level-up my writing from “random nonsense that makes me spray milk and/or melted cheese out of my nose and eyes” to “holy wow crap this is the funniest thing I have ever read or had read to me by a man in a rubber suit kapow”

Some Sumo Size Shenanigans

Yokozuna, which is the top rank of sumo (think “black belt”) comes with a lot of responsibility. You can’t just be awesome at wearing giant g-strings and slapping fat guys in the face.

You’ve got to be a fine, upstanding citizen, must always talk in a low grunt, and must never, ever act in a way unbecoming of your rank.

Hakuho and Asashoryu are currently the only yokozuna in sumo, and they are also not Japanese. They are dirty foreigners, Mongolians to be exact. Which probably explains this dirty business!

The two of them have an interesting dynamic. Asashoryu is the fiery Mongolian warlord, Hakuho is the quiet Mongolian warrior… and they are both sitting on the top of the pile of Japanese sumo at the moment. (Quite the image, that…)

NB If you don’t live in Japan or give a shit about sumo this article might be completely irrelevant in which case click here.

UFC 84: Squiggly Worms

I’m going to do a writeup of the gut-bustingly spectacular UFC 84 just as soon as I get a chance to watch it again slowly and headbutt a quiche, which is usually what I do to get myself pumped.

Rest assured though, I will be pointing out the following things to you in hilarious fashion:

– Machida’s christening Ortiz as “Cheeto”

– Goldy calling Wanderlei Silva “The Ice Man”

– Urijah Faber looking like a vacuum-packed skull…

and much more!

Submissions Spirits 2

Just to let you dudez know another perk of living in Japan… totally wicked awesome sweet DVD magazines with the latest shiznit from the world of BJJ and grappling.

Here is Submission Spirits volume 2.

I’m reading it now. Actually, I lie. I’m looking at the pictures and trying to figure out what all the squiggly lines mean. But I’m working my way through the DVD, which has Shinya Aoki, Eddie Bravo, Jacare, Drysdale, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff as well as some hardcore Japanese BJJ and grappling tourneys.

I’ll probably write more of a review with some more information when I get time to sift through it all, and I will definitely post some video clips from the DVD up here and you can be sure they will be EX-CLUUUU-SIVE.

BJJ 25th May

Taught a class on Sunday, and it went pretty good despite having to hop everywhere.

I chose the bow and arrow choke because I have been using it a lot lately and find that I’m able to work it from just about any position.

It ended up going really well, I taught it from the back, from side control, from the turtle, and even from guard.

I did a little boning up before I went courtesy of Lockflow and Aesopian.

One other blue belt came who is my sempai, has been there longer and is generally better than me. I offered for him to teach the techniques but he stood back and waved his hands, and I learnt a small lesson then, that the teacher doesn’t necessarily have to be the best guy in the room but he does have to be willing to stand up in front of everyone and take responsibility for things.

The guys sparred pretty hard.

Here is pro-Shooto fighter Sugi-pro playing possum with one of our other resident gaijins, Kevin.

And here he is slapping on a reverse triangle in a pro shooto match.

Tomokazu Yuasa (blue trunks) vs. Toshihiko Sugimoto
Get more pictures like this from SHERDOG.COM

Nino Schembri’s New Vid

Courtesy of Budo Videos blog

Nice production!

TUF Shit, series 7 episode 8.19b banana

TUF productions are pulling out all the stops with this season and have completely revamped the intro again.

Fade up from black to pink as a guitar wails hard. Some tinkly piano music can be heard as well as the sound of a tin of beans being slopped on an old bed. Suddenly “Livin’ on a Prayer” starts chunking out of your speakers HARD and there is a closeup of a foot with a cowboy boot tapping to the rythm. Zoom out to reveal Dana White in a cowboy outfit and a stars and stripes ten gallon hat. He has a large red white and blue saxaphone in his arms. Cut to a close up of his face. He winks twice then begins rocking out HARD on the sax. Suddenly the screen explodes and you see Rampage Jackson driving a hummer over the ocean. Water sprays up behind him. Zoom in on his face and he smiles and you see his teeth are gold. The words “Coach Quinton Rampage Jackson” slam and fizzle onto the screen in big purple letters.

Wipe to Forrest Griffin swinging from tree to tree like Tarzan. He is wearing a bear skin. Zoom in on his face and he smiles and you can see his teeth are just made from normal teeth. “Coach Forrest Griffin” dribbles onto  the screen with a fizzling noise. Bon Jovi appears on the screen and high-fives Griffin.

Random montage of whales splashing through the ocean, submarines crashing into each other and exploding, a monkey stuffing onions in a blender, a tank rolling over a supermarket, two helicopters firing missiles at a donkey which explodes, and a man in suspenders eating a cigar.

THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER writes itself onto the screen as if being sprayed on with aerosol. Fade down to black.

A recap of last week’s fights are shown. Cale Yarborough defeated Patrick Schultz by snapping off the Bostonians frosted hair and stabbing him in the eyes with it. Referee Steve Mazaggatti’s moustache had become aroused during the bout and swelled to five times its normal size, obscuring the pint-sized official’s vision, thus allowing the young fighter to get away with the flagrant bending of the rules.

Griffin and Rampage, no doubt spurred on by panicking producers, get really pumped and start yelling and breaking stuff. Like a bunch of college students whose drinks have been spiked with Viagra, everybody walks around being really pumped and not really knowing why or who to punch. The coaches decide to settle their differences with a game of hide and seek but unfortunately Rampage has to pull out halfway through when he steps on a banana skin, slips up, somersaults in the air and lands on a home barbecue set covered in delicious marinade.

Back at the house, a sunglass wearing competition is in full effect. The game remains tied for a few hours with participants frantically wearing the sunglasses as hard as they can. Eventually the game is abandoned as no winner can be decided but everyone agrees Jesse is the loser because he dipped his glasses in ketchup and ate them with a confused look on his face.

Dana White arrives in a private jet which lands on the roof of the TUF house, crushing the east wing and slaughtering a cast member known only as Bill, but he was quiet and had not received any air time yet so it’s all cool. Dana White backflips from the cockpit and fires a machine gun into the air. He produces a megaphone and simply yells “Fuck” really loud a few times. In the ensuing silence, somebody from the cast yells “WARRIOR” and everybody cheers.

A helicopter appears out of nowhere. David Letterman wearing nothing but a tattered pair of overalls and a baseball hat abseils down and grabs Dana White around the waist then the two of them fly off into the sunset.

Fade to sparkling green as “Take my Breath Away” begins playing.