TUF Shit – Episode 5

Sigh.

I’m finding it pretty difficult to maintain interest in this series, I don’t know why. It’s very much a paint-by-numbers kind of show. All you need to do is change the names and you pretty much have every single show.

Fighter A defeats Fighter B. Fighter A calls fighter B a warrior and Fighter B admires Fighter A’s warrior spirit. Other team members congratulate their fighter on being a warrior. Dana White says that they went out there and were warriors and that they have a future in the UFC. Coach A is pissed off and walks around growling. Coach B is happy and high fives his warriors repeatedly.

Back at the house, Fighter D has pissed/spat/poured something in Fighter H’s protein/chewing tobacco/marmalade/mouth. Fighter H is mad as hell and says that warriors should never mess with another warrior’s stuff, for fear of making that warrior mad, and having him get all warrior up in yo ass.

Fighter D challenges Fighter H to pick him and then they can settle their differences in the octagon, like warriors. Fighter D agrees.

Dana White / Coach A / Coach B randomly turns up at the house. All fighters laugh/giggle/talk nervously. There is much high-fiving. Then he leaves.

POSSIBLE ALTERNATE STORYLINE! Fighter P gets a message from home. We the viewers are privy to the truth: His dog has hurt its paw/his wife missed a period/his friend got drunk and accidentally took a dump on his own head/his pet turtle got sat on by a horse but is OK now/his girlfriend spontaneously combusted. Other fighters grill Fighter P on what happened. Fighter P loves the attention and holds back for a long time on the news. Other fighters assume Fighter P’s parents have killed themselves and each other in a double murder suicide, or that a plane has just crashed on a nuclear plant in their hometown completely decimating everything they’ve ever known. Fighter P eventually reveals the truth and is silently stripped of his warrior status and loses all his friends.

The pick for the next fight is decided. Fighter M and Fighter Z step up to each other and attempt to intimidate each other with growls/grunts/lack of high-fives/warrior-type motions. Other fighters whoop and high five each other hard.

A preview for the next fight is shown. Fighter M punches/kicks/knees Fighter Z in the head/body/leg/pancreas. Repeat as nu-metal fades in and the sounds of warriors can be heard.

END!

Actually I am looking forward to Matt Brown against that May guy, who is one of the biggest idiots I have ever seen in my life.

Brown: Are we that tight that we can play around like that?

May (sheepishly, a large brown stain slowly spreading in his underpants): I… well… I mean… I thought we could be…

AWESOME! Warrior.

Oh, I forgot to add… Tim Credeur, still pumped from his previous outing as a warrior, and obviously has been reading the Hagakure on the toilet again, steps up to the two fighters after the fight and says “Way to be warriors, guys. Way to be warriors.”

Way to be warriors, indeed.

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Kalib Starnes Reveals the Truth

In an exclusive email from Kalib Starnes I was able to uncover the real reasons behind his bizarre performance against Nate “Rock Hammer” Quarry.

Dear Internet,

Hi! How have you been?

This is Kalib. Remember me? I’m the guy who spilt orange juice on your father’s incontinence pad at our last gathering thus drawing rather a lot of unwanted attention his way. Soz and all that, hope he got it cleared up. The incontinence, that is. I know the orange juice was cleared up because I was holding a tissue at the time.

Well so anyway I was like totally in the middle of telling you about the time when I spent that whole UFC fight just kind of running backwards and stuff. What actually happened was I was posessed by an alien stoat. His name is Gorgonzola Moominpoot, and he lives in my chest. Everything was going well before the fight. I was preparing with ATT and we were saying our daily chants and praying to Satan for strength and courage. Then I was on my way home and I saw a strange light in the sky. Pow, zap, kabam, zoorp, there was a small furry creature embedded in my chest cavity. I was all like, what the hell man, fuck this shit, but the creature, who introduced himself as Gorgonzola Moominpoot, told me I better get used to it and fast.

For a while, I was able to hide him from my training partners. He would hide deep within my chest, nestled between my small heart and lungs. He promised only to come out on public holidays and said he wanted nothing more than two scoops of chocolate ice cream and a stroll round the park on sunny days. I reluctantly agreed and we shook hands as best we could.

Then on the night of the UFC I felt that familiar rumbling in my chest while we were warming up in the locker room. Oh no, I thought. Please Satan, not now. I looked at my trainers who looked at me puzzedly, pausing in the middle of slaying a chicken and pouring the blood over themselves. It must have been the crowd noises, or the lack of humidity, I don’t know, but Gorgonzola emerged with a vengeance. He told me, nay, ordered me, to lose the fight. He said that if I did not do it he would tug on the long stringy thing that was next to his leg until it snapped. I wasn’t sure exactly what he was talking about but it sounded painful so I agreed. Satan only knows why he wanted me to lose the fight, but what else could I do?

So the fight began, and although I really wanted to engaged and be knocked out cold by Nate Quarry’s punches, I could not. Each step I made to attack, I felt a strange tugging sensation deep within my torso. I knew that Gorgonzola had not been bluffing when he made his threat.

Towards the end of the fight I received a message telepathically. Gorgonzola had made contact with another alien parasite embedded in Nate Quarry’s head. He sounded very pleased and told me that he would attempt to communicate. At that moment Nate began doing some kind of strange intergalactic communication ritual, holding his arm and extending it out towards me in a kind of rock hammer fashion. Gorgonzola squealed with glee in my chest, which hurt. He told me that Nate had a very rare Golden Stick-Insect Type alien named Murgatrod Palalapstank in his brain which was very friendly but known throughout the galaxy for the gory way it implodes its host’s brain when it gets bored with it.

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Nate, but Gorgonzola says you better keep Murgatrod amused or else your brain will be melted down.

So as you can see, I really did do my best in that fight but alas circumstances meant that I could not shine like the bright star I am.

Gorgonzola and I will be moving to the forests of Norway where we can be alone.

Love,

Kalib and Gorgonzola.

PS There was also a guy with a laser pen in the audience and he was shining it in my eye which totally put me off.

PPS I have attached a picture so that you know I am not lying or anything.

PPPS Can I have my nasal hair trimmer back? You’ve had it for like months already, jeez.

TUF Shit: An Ultimate Fighter Blog Ep: 4

Jesse, the guy who won last week’s fight, looks like the kind of guy who walks into the bathroom with a bottle of ketchup in his hand and then stops and goes “Huh?” and looks at the ketchup, then the toilet, then the ketchup again, and then headbutts a hole in the door and eats the whole ketchup container. He seems to use words to express himself in much the same way as a monkey might use a big stick to pry sweet, sweet ants from a tree… clumsily. No offense to him.

Matthew Riddle does that annoying finger clicking thing which makes me instantly want to see his face being pulver-smasholated.

Rampage riffs with his team and they respond with nervous laughter and white-boy mumbling. I’m reminded of all the times a black person has made me feel spectacularly uncool. A guy once bumped into me on the street here in Japan and was all “Hey wassup yo, where the party at, yo? Where the weed at?” and I was all, “Ah! Hello! Yes. The party, hey? Hmm, well… I believe there was a party… over there somewhere, and… perhaps… you could go there… I gave up smoking pot, though, so…” and then the guy kind of slunk off with a pitying smile on his face.

The characters on this season do seem to be trying quite hard to make things interesting but I’m finding it very difficult to give a shit about anyone. Riddle is a young, annoying man. Tim Credeur is an older and slightly less annoying person, another one of those “got the Hagakure in the post this morning. Samurais RULE.” kind of guy.

To be fair, I loved the fight. It was a lot of fun. Very back and forth, with both fighters showing heart and skill. Credeur’s experience proved to be the deciding factor in the end, though.

Rampage looks very annoyed in the next episode. Perhaps a certain bald tourettes sufferer elbowed him softly in the ribs and whispered “Quinton, darling, nothing much is happening so far. Be a doll and start fucking tearing stuff up, would you? Fucking shit bitch cocks.”

Night of the Running Man and other such nonsense

UFC 48 - Payback

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I won’t bore you with the same tripe being regurgitated by ten million other blogs out there, and just say a few things that I felt watching the card.

I really enjoyed it. The only fight I skipped through was Kalib Starnes vs. Nate Quarry, and then in the end I had to go back and watch it because of the controversy. Thank you, Nate Quarry, for providing some entertainment in what would have otherwise been a ridiculously boring fight. Here’s one of the better videos (jeez you guys are fast, it takes me about three days to export anything from Premiere… piece of shit!)

Quarry came across as a really top bloke. He was funny and well-spoken, and probably scared shitless of the godless killing machine cult that is ATT. How the fuck Starnes is still in ATT, which makes you swear some kind of blood allegiance to honour and awesomeness, is beyond me.

I actually got just as excited for Bisping vs. McCarthy as I did for Serra vs. St. Pierre, just because Bisping is a Brit. He looked pretty mean out there and successfully ignored McCarthy’s antics. Who the fuck is captain miserable anyway? I have never, ever heard his name mentioned as anybody worth watching at all. He is a mosquito bite on the arse of the UFC and how they managed to drum up any kind of hype for him to fight Bisping is beyond me. Luckily, The Count tore him a new one and did so in style. I’m looking forward to his next test at 185.

Franklin / Lutter was pretty good, although Lutter looked like he had spent about half the preceding months training jiu jitsu and the other half eating double cheeseburgers and watching Family Guy. What the fuck? He was exhausted after about four minutes. Franklin and his strangely circular arms looked pretty good, although what is his reward, another merciless drubbing from Anderson Silva? No thanks.

I generally tend to avoid jokes as simple as pointing at someone and yelling “GAY” but Rich Franklin, You Are A Gay. *points*

Rich Franklin and Jorge Gurgel

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And, naturally, GSP de-pulverated Matt Serra. Everybody is being too nice to throw the word “fluke” around when talking about Serra’s original win over GSP, but I’m flinging it with extra gusto directly at your face. It was a fluke (much as I love Matt Serra), and GSP righted the universe the other night.

I’m still pumped for Hughes / Serra, though I need a few cheesy UFC hype videos to remind me about the bad blood between these two warriors who will leave it all in the octagon and warrior with blood and spirit warrior.

Overall, a very entertaining card.

Is it typical at Canadian events to have such a vocal crowd singing songs? Or was it the English contingent there for Bisping? Either way it sounded like a football (soccer) stadium, it was great.

TUF Shit – An Ultimate Fighter Blog

Episode 3!

The guys get to go in the house, which much to everyone’s relief looks basically identical to the last house. Heaven forbid any innovation or originality.

The teams are picked and some guy gets picked last. Personally I would have been all “Well, Luke Cummo got picked last and look at him now!” but the guy just sulkily high-fives with everyone.

One guy gets sent home for having a fungus growing on his neck. That must pretty much be the worst feeling in the world, second only to thinking you’ve won the lottery then losing the winning ticket or getting to the finish line of a marathon in first place and then sponteneously combusting.

The one thing that never ceases to amaze me about the people on this show, and thus I must extrapolate all young American males, is that they covet shit-talking as some kind of essential skill that all fighters must have. To be fair, the producers probably egg them on to say all this dumb crap, but I am always flabbergasted at the sheer amount of ridiculously bombastic crud that they spray out of their mouths:

“Well we are two warriors and we’re gonna go to war in the cage and leave our blood and guts on the cage floor in our war battle.”

“I’m here to bring the pain and I have a job to do and I’m going to do it and if he is in my way then God help him and his family because I am a warrior and warriors do battles in the cage of destiny and I’m here to get in, do my job, get out, and warrior.”

“My god have mercy on his warrior soul because we are two warriors here to do battle and war. Our blood and warrior souls will battle against each other in the cage and I’ve got a warrior’s job to do and my spirit will battle against his soul in the battle-cage when we go to war I’m going to try to knock his head off. I like to hurt people, it’s fun. I’ve got a job to do and I’m just going to do it and if he tries to take the warrior-bread from my warrior family’s table then I’m going to have the warrior his face off HARD. Warrior.”

I mean, fuck, can they be any more pretentious?

TUF participants checklist:

TATTOOS OF DRAGONS OR CELTIC DESIGNS: Check.
INTIMIDATING SOUNDING NICKNAME: Check.
CRAP TEENAGE SHIT TALKING SKILLZ: Check.
ACTUAL FIGHTING SKILLZ: TBC / will worry about that latr.

There is a fight and the guy who talked the most ridiculous shit got pulverised. Perhaps he should spend more time actually training rather than flexing in front of the mirror and practicing his pronounciation of the word “warrior”.

Rampage comes to hang out in the house and it goes down well. He declares himself the coolest person in the universe, which is OK by me. I think Forrest was on the show but I can’t remember.

Next week Forrest and Rampage shout at their teams a bit and someone called “Chad” or “Brody” or “Shayne” does something of interest in the house. Probably.

Josh Gross

During the gaps between listening to the following totally awesome podcasts:

Fightlinker’s Low Blow

The Fightworks Podcast

Fight Opinion Radio

and the Skeptics Guide to the Universe

I force my eardrums to undergo the torture that is the Sherdog Radio Network.

I can just about withstand fastforwarding through the ads, the shit music, and the complete drivel, to hear interviews with the fighters.

I’m just writing this to say that I’ve never ever seen Josh Gross, but in my head, he exactly looks like this guy from Heroes.

Anyone have a picture for me to confirm or deny this?

UFC 83

It’s been a while since I checked any official UFC webpages, but I looked at the UFC 83 one and damn is that a nicely made site. Very flashy indeed, a nice place to waste a few minutes.

Clickalise.