TUF Shit – An Ultimate Fighter Blog

Episode 3!

The guys get to go in the house, which much to everyone’s relief looks basically identical to the last house. Heaven forbid any innovation or originality.

The teams are picked and some guy gets picked last. Personally I would have been all “Well, Luke Cummo got picked last and look at him now!” but the guy just sulkily high-fives with everyone.

One guy gets sent home for having a fungus growing on his neck. That must pretty much be the worst feeling in the world, second only to thinking you’ve won the lottery then losing the winning ticket or getting to the finish line of a marathon in first place and then sponteneously combusting.

The one thing that never ceases to amaze me about the people on this show, and thus I must extrapolate all young American males, is that they covet shit-talking as some kind of essential skill that all fighters must have. To be fair, the producers probably egg them on to say all this dumb crap, but I am always flabbergasted at the sheer amount of ridiculously bombastic crud that they spray out of their mouths:

“Well we are two warriors and we’re gonna go to war in the cage and leave our blood and guts on the cage floor in our war battle.”

“I’m here to bring the pain and I have a job to do and I’m going to do it and if he is in my way then God help him and his family because I am a warrior and warriors do battles in the cage of destiny and I’m here to get in, do my job, get out, and warrior.”

“My god have mercy on his warrior soul because we are two warriors here to do battle and war. Our blood and warrior souls will battle against each other in the cage and I’ve got a warrior’s job to do and my spirit will battle against his soul in the battle-cage when we go to war I’m going to try to knock his head off. I like to hurt people, it’s fun. I’ve got a job to do and I’m just going to do it and if he tries to take the warrior-bread from my warrior family’s table then I’m going to have the warrior his face off HARD. Warrior.”

I mean, fuck, can they be any more pretentious?

TUF participants checklist:

TATTOOS OF DRAGONS OR CELTIC DESIGNS: Check.
INTIMIDATING SOUNDING NICKNAME: Check.
CRAP TEENAGE SHIT TALKING SKILLZ: Check.
ACTUAL FIGHTING SKILLZ: TBC / will worry about that latr.

There is a fight and the guy who talked the most ridiculous shit got pulverised. Perhaps he should spend more time actually training rather than flexing in front of the mirror and practicing his pronounciation of the word “warrior”.

Rampage comes to hang out in the house and it goes down well. He declares himself the coolest person in the universe, which is OK by me. I think Forrest was on the show but I can’t remember.

Next week Forrest and Rampage shout at their teams a bit and someone called “Chad” or “Brody” or “Shayne” does something of interest in the house. Probably.

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4 Responses

  1. I LOL’d.

    I much prefer quieter, unassuming fighters anyway. Theres not enough of them around.
    My ultimate fighter would be a polite, well spoken English guy with a penchant for tea. And no fucking tattoos.

    “Well, I’m going to go in that cage and try to submit the guy, or knock him out. Or he’ll do it to me first, you never know.
    Anyway, I’m looking forward to a nice cup of tea when its all over. And maybe a biscuit.”

  2. Thanks David.
    That’s why I loved seeing Michael Bisping and the other Brit on the show a few seasons ago. They were very down to earth and gave exactly those kinds of interviews.

    I remember Bisping yelling out to everyone in the house as it was going to sleep, Waltons-style:
    “Nighty night! Most likely kill you in the morning!” in his best toff accent. Brilliant.

  3. Princess Bride quote by Bisping. Awesometown.

    I like the intensity, bravado, tattoos etc. the whole lot. If its not genuine though, it’s just cheeseball. Shamrock vs. Tito was not the most well-worded back n’ forth, but the guys fucking hated each other and it was good fun to watch. These other disingenuous idiots with their code of the samurai BS just comes off as corny, especially when you see this modern warrior show up at the gym in a Ford Festiva reeking of weed. Sorry, personal experience…

    “Gimme a break, old man.”

    “I’ll give you a break. I’ll break your face!”

    Now THAT is A+

  4. I’m with you there, Ram.

    I need real men, the kind that back up their bravado with hardcore, face-busting skills. Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. Steven Seagal in Out for Justice. Rumsfield in The Burbs. Biff in Back to the Future.

    Not the “I just ordered the Hagakure off Amazon and skim read it, it was totally awesum!” insta-samurai drivel.

    What’s that “break your face” line from?

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