Seagal fight

Do you think if Steven Seagal managed to clone himself, and then had a fight with himself, he would win?

OR WOULD HE LOSE?!!!!111111

Because the rules of the universe state that 1) Seagal can never lose a fight 2) the only person who can beat Seagal would be a clone of Seagal and 3) were that to ever happen, the universe would implode from the sheer awesomeness of the fact that there are two Seagals in the universe.

SO in fact it is a trick question!


4 Responses

  1. Not in my book…

    The final battle…

    Seagal is like ‘this place is lame, let’s do it in style!’ and suddenly they both evoparate. Fade to sparkling orange colour, fade back in and they are in an abandoned warehouse somewhere in the 80’s. Seagal is wearing a leather jacket with felt tassles, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, some super tight jeans and has various tibetan beads around his neck. Chuck norris is wearing a badly ripped karate uniform with pictures of micheal j. fox sown onto the back, and some high heels. They both look at each other hard and nod. Some serious distorted 80’s guitar noises begin to wail hard in the background, then in the foreground. ‘Its on!’ says chuck norris. Zoom to close up of seagals nostrils with a crunching noise. The hairs sway in the breeze. Cut to chuck norris’s chest hair, also swaying. A synth drum beat kicks in with occasional ‘zoorp’ sounds. They both begin tapping their feet on the floor, hard. Suddenly norris makes the first move, flying up into the air, shouting KIAAAAIII!!! And attempting to punch seagals cowboy hat. Seagal calmly allows him to do so, knowing full well that his hat contains a hidden boner. As chuck norris punches the hidden superhard boner, seagal laughs and his hat rips in half revealing said boner. Chuck norris states ‘HOLY CRAP!’ before backflipping into a large dustbin. Seizing the opportunity, seagal turns round and runs for the exit. Zoom to a close up of chuck norris’s forehead with a slooshing noise. The forehead dissapears so the audience can see his brain. You hear the brain say in an echoing voice ‘ha! That big baby, I knew it!’ then cut to seagals butt. His pants fade out so that the audience can see the butt, which states ‘frrrt!’ and a large turd comes out. The turd lands on the floor and grows legs, and runs fast along the floor to chuck norris. It begins dancing in front of him. Norris is mesmerised by the dancing crap, which was seagals plan all along. He opens the warehouse door and mr. T, Doc Emmet Brown, and arnold swarchennegler come in. He slaps five with all of them quite hard. Jean claude van damme tries to sneak in behind them, but seagal is like ‘No’ and punches him hard in the medulla oblongata, slamming the door in his face. Cut back to norris, who is clapping and singing with the dancing turd. He looks up and realises he has fallen for the oldest trick in the book! He stamps on the turd and stands up, obviously rattled by the whole situation.

    Seagal and his buddies say ‘lets do this thing’ in unison. They run over to norris. Cut to a close up of a pigeon in the rafters. The pigeon craps fairly hard. Camera follows the crap as it falls down to the people below who are all fighting each other. The crap simultanously splits into seven pieces. A bit lands in norris’s eyeball. He falls to the floor, screaming. Swarchenegler and emmet brown start laughing but some poops goes in their eyes too and they writhe about in agony before exploding, twice. Seagal decides to kill mr T for no reason at all, by elbowing his pancreas with all his might. He rips off one of mr t’s arms and uses it as a makeshift club, beating norris’s ass badly. He wipes some sweat from his brow and goes to the exit of the warehouse. Some 80’s synth music wails fairly softly, indicating a happy ending. He opens the door and sees van damme nursing his injured medula oblongata. Seagal says ‘ Can you ever forgive me?’ and van damme replies ‘of course baby!’ and they high five each other harder than ever. They jump into a pink cadillac and drive off into the blazing afternoon sun, which explodes.

    Camera zooms out slowly, then in, out a tiny bit, before exploding HARD!

    THE END!

  2. I appreciate you not making any fag jokes in your funny final battle. I lesser man would have.


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