Extract from Phil Elmore’s personal diary…

I stepped from the train station this morning at approximately 8:15am. I had successfully fended off a number of vagrants on the journey, including one homeless man with a beard, one without, one elderly man asking me for ‘donations’ and a number of youths wearing baseball caps, which I took to be clear signs of their proficiency in the art of gang-style street boxing. As they sat opposite me, laughing and joking and no doubt planning my mugging with codewords like “I want to play half life 2” and “Rebecca is hot” (the last one clearly marking me as a target for hate crime), I fingered my concealed seventeen inch bowie knife, freshly sharpened and ready to slice the throat of any ne’er do well who dared cross my path. The cold steel on my leg reassured me, despite the fact that I am too much of a stupid wimp to ever actually engage in physical combat of any kind whatsoever.

The real horrors of this morning were yet to come however… I had survived the ordeal of my train journey, and made my way to the ticket counter. At this point a dirty looking ethnic approached me, his posture and facial hair clearly indicating his leniancy towards solving situations with violence. He wore a weak disguise, posing as a Ticket Inspector. I knew the truth however, he was one of them. One of those sent to test me, one of those upon whose mind there is nothing but violence. How I abhorr these violent fellows.

I did the only thing I could, putting my hands up in a modified ‘fence’, assuming a subtle approximation of the Wu Sau Double Guarding Hands of Wing Chun Kung Fu. I also let out a small, primal squeal, letting him know that I was a peacock not to be trifled with. Some emissions also escaped from my anus at this time.

He was undeterred, and came towards me still muttering something about my tickets. Didn’t this fool know I purchase a yearly ticket? Apparently not. I was not about to stand down and let my civil liberty be trampled upon by this filthy immigrant. He had gotten past my initial defence zone manouvre, at which point I decided to flash my blade at him. Leaving one hand in the air in a subtle approximation of ‘monkey steals the peach’, I reached around and unhooked my bowie knife from my oversized pants. His face tightened noticably as the reflection of the blade glanced across his pockmarked skin… As it should, for I am a Martial Arts Master, and I also made up my own martial art too. He threw up his hands in a passive gesture but one which screamed out to me ‘Cut me! Cut me! I am on the verge of attacking you like the rabid animal I am!’

We circled each other tentatively for a few moments, with me edging ever closer to the exit so that I could escape the lunacy of being almost attacked by this lollygagger. As my rear end bumped into the turnstile exit, I realised that now was my time to make my escape from the clutches of this madman… He still stood there, pretending to be scared but I knew the truth… He was just waiting for me to turn my back that he may stab me in it. Well, not today, Ricco. I placed one hand on the turnstile, and backed out slowly. At the last minute I quickly reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out my poison tipped throwing needles, flinging them defensively at his face and neck. I did not wait around to see the results, as I turned and fled, safe in the knowledge that I had defended myself successfully from yet another episode of harrassment that I, as a Martialist, have to deal with on a daily basis.

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7 Responses

  1. Man if BJJ was so superior to _Ing __Un
    then why these ____ warriors don’t go to the ground in a REAL ring called
    “DA STREET”

    beats me.

  2. What the bloody hell are you talking about?

  3. I must really dig your sense of humor. EVERY post is funny. Even Jack’s comment is funny. Your blog rocks. ***** 5 stars 😀

  4. Thanks man! More comin up!

  5. […] Extract from Phil Elmore’s personal diary… Martial Farts __________________ "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." – Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi […]

  6. Hi!. Thanks a bunch for the info. I’ve been digging around looking some info up for shool, but i think i’m getting lost!. Yahoo lead me here – good for you i guess! Keep up the good work. I will be popping back over in a few days to see if there is updated posts.

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